i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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