6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
