Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
