well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
