Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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