upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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