i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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