In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
