You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
