I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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