im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Randomize
