Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I could fuck to npr.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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