Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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