I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
