so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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