@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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