i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
