i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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