just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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