My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
