That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
