I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize