I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize