How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
