we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
