Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
