Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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