I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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