All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize