Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
