Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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