apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
