I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
