just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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