the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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