we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
