I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
