whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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