That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
