I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Mom said you looked used
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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