we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
