no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
