one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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