I think im going to throw up on grandma
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
