She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
