so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
