note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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