I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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