there's paper in my vomit.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
