You're my little dorito
I'm really into asian looking animals
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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