im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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