Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
