There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
