He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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